Welcome!

So, I did it.  I started a blog.  I had a blog before, but I also had a toddler, and I lost it.  The password - not the toddler.  I tried to log-in like a thousand times, but the problem is, I change email addresses like some people change underwear - if I log in to my email and it shows that I have >1k unread messages, I start to hyperventilate and then I start a new email account, and I promise myself that I will only use that email account for important correspondence, and then I fail.  And open up a new one.  It's a viscous cycle.

So, anyhow...I read a lot of mom blogs.  And they are awesome.  Like, these moms live in New York.  Their kids know what a subway and a rooftop garden are, and they give away stuff like ironic baby onesies that cost half my grocery budget.  Or else these moms live on a farm.  They feed their kids a diet of milk and honey and they craft.  They craft the shit out of stuff.  They make me feel like I could craft!  And then I craft.  And I remember why I don't normally craft. They make me use "craft" as a verb, too.  I hate them for that.

And then there are the funny blogs.  There are the blogs we all share because they speak to this universal truth about motherhood, in a way that makes us laugh and say "OMG, yes!  That.  That exact thing."  They write so well, and with such humor that I get jealous.  I think, "Why didn't I think of that?"  And they are so good that it actually makes me nervous to blog.  Like, oh my God, am I trying to hard?  If I try, will everyone think I think I'm as good as that one blogger?  And then I drink, and I'm like "That one blogger could only wish to be as good as me!  Where's my craft room?  Fuck. I forgot to 'designate a space.' Who keeps a hot glue gun in the same house as a toddler, anyhow.  That's dumb.  Where's my wine?"

I don't live in New York.  I live in Missouri.  I feed my kid a diet of whatever he will eat without gagging - mainly noodles and dairy-related products.  I don't craft.  I wish I did.  But I prefer to read about crafts, really.  I do like to cook - maybe I'll write some about that.  Then again, maybe I won't.  I don't know if I like cooking well enough to write about it.  But I do like to write.  So I have that going for me.

I'll give you my cast of characters.  Hi, I'm Sam.  I'm a wife and a mom.  I do some freelance writing, and I like it.  I do a lot of butt-wiping, as well.  I like that less, and I also don't get paid for it.  I have a husband.  His name is Justin.  I have a son, and to keep things easy, I named him Justin, as well, although he does get called Junior a lot.  I also have a brother named Justin- I don't know that he'll figure much into this blog, but I just think it's funny.  Like it shows I actually have a stunning lack of originality.  "Eh, just call this one Justin, too."  I'd like to have another baby.  I keep threatening to name it Sam, no matter what the gender.  I'm just really, really lazy that way.

Also, while I'm confessing stuff - I don't work out.  I really should, but I don't.  Maybe I'll start. After the holidays.  Or when Junior goes to college.  If he goes to college.  His childhood diet of noodles and American cheese singles, paired with his mother's inability to do crafts with him, may be too much of an obstacle for him to overcome.  

So, welcome to my blog.  I hope it doesn't suck.  And I hope if it does suck, you're nice enough not to mention it in the comments.  (Of course, now that I have said that, if you do say it in the comments, I have the ability to go "Ha ha!  That's so funny!  They're only saying it sucks because I said not to!  Lol, Internet!" It's like I shut you down without even trying.  Boom.  I win.) The next few days it might look like I wrote a lot of stuff, but really, it's because I do write stuff down even when not posting it to a public forum, but by all means, please assume that I'm incredibly productive.  Because I am.  Sometimes.