It seems an innocent enough question, and certainly safe enough - after all, I already have a baby, proof of my ability to do so, and it's natural enough to assume that I want to do it again.
And I do. I want to, badly.
A few months ago, I went to the doctor because of a lump in my breast and under my arm. I was scared, of course - who wouldn't be? Thankfully, we got good news on that front - but during the course of the exam, and the blood work that followed, I was informed that I had a condition that makes it very hard to get pregnant. Had I had help getting pregnant with my son? No, I answered - in fact, that piece of business only took 3 weeks.
You are very lucky, I was told.
And I know that. All I need to do is look at my beautiful son to know that. But that doesn't stop me from yearning for another. My biological clock isn't just ticking - the alarm is going off, full-volume, and the snooze button no longer works.
I want to be pregnant again. Honestly, I felt beautiful when I was pregnant. I loved the rounding out of my body, the feel of the hard bump that was my growing son's behind beneath my hands, and Lord knows I appreciated the boost it gave my boobs. I want that feeling of my body being productive, even when I am napping - that feeling that my body is doing what God created it to do. Even the ugly symptoms - the nausea, the swollen feet and ankles...all were just reminders that I was creating life. I want to do that again.
I want to hold another infant. I want to smell the bakery-sweet goodness of his or her head and breath, I want to bathe and lotion and powder each tiny toe and perfect crease and wrinkle. I want that hour at 3 a.m., when the baby needs to be nursed, and it feels like there is no one else on earth but us. I want the sweetness of it, and I also know now the fleetingness of it, as well. I want that, one more time.
I want to watch another baby explore, discover, grow, learn. I want my heart to skip a beat when the baby smiles for the first time, the triumph of the first time baby sleeps through the night, the pride of the first step, and I will take the poop, the spit-up, the fevers and the sleepless nights and the teething. I will take all of that to do it again, easy.
I want my husband to experience it all again, as well. He is a wonderful father, and he wants another child as much as I do.
And perhaps most of all, I want my son to have the chance to be a brother. To have the one person in his life that he is most connected to, the one who will know all the stories and get all the jokes. I want that for my boy.
Yes, I am lucky, but...I want another baby.
The doctor says there are things we can do, and so I am going to do them. My list is short, but it's hard, as well. I need to lose weight. And the damnable part of it is, the problem I have, which is PCOS, makes it incredibly difficult to lose weight. But it's a task that I am determined to complete. And because of the diagnosis, I won't have to wait the normal 12 months of trying to conceive before getting treatment - I simply have to do my part.
The doctor prescribed a medication that should help some with that - not a diet pill, but something that helps regulate insulin and hormones. It doesn't help me lose weight as much as it makes it possible for me to lose weight. I have been dieting, it seems, for 2 years straight, with very little result, and this should change that.
And so I am writing this - not for sympathy, because trust me, I've wallowed around in it enough myself, but for accountability. To nail down my own goals and the huge reason behind them, and put them out there, and live up to them.
The doctor recommended a 10% weight reduction, but I have set my own, bigger goal of when I feel like my body will be best ready to try fertility treatments. I have lost eleven pounds since that appointment - each one a tiny step in the direction I need to go.
I have 49.8 more steps to take.
Wish me luck.
I was borderline on test results for PCOS, and told if I gained any weight I probably would have it. I gained some weight over the next 2 years, then I was pregnant and had a miscarriage, which you know PCOS increases the likelihood of. I lost over 10% of my body weight, had a successful pregnancy. Thank you for giving me a reason not to go have the fried food I am craving. I don't want to try for baby #2 until my weight is back down to what it was before I had Finn since that's when I had the successful pregnancy. It's tough! I just started to lose a few lbs this month and he is over 9 months old! And I like the steps. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I can't imagine how hard that was...and you give me hope, too. I want to be down to a little less than what I was before I got pregnant with Junior, which is why I made my goal bigger. Keep posting pictures of that sweet baby of yours for added motivation lol.
ReplyDeleteI can even let you sniff him. The baby smell is starting to wear off sooner after baths though, he is turning into dirt finding boy! Awesome job with your fast progress since your last appointment! One problem about being 'borderline' is no metformin. I did just order a supplement that's supposed to help so I am hopeful my wonderful carb and sugar cravings ease up. I only have 30 steps to go!
ReplyDeleteI understand the questions, too. It's hard to explain to people why I'm scared to try before I lose weight. They just ask why not have another now and then try to lose weight. It's not a vanity thing.
ReplyDeleteI get the same question! And I understand why they say it - they just don't understand that it's risky to do it that way.
DeleteI did get prescribed Metformin, as well as birth control - more to regulate things than to prevent things, and it seems weird to start on this fertility thing with birth control. I am avoiding all sugar - even limiting my fruit to smaller servings of smarter choices (like melons and berries, rather than bananas and oranges), and have eliminated breads and rice and even potatoes.
I miss brownies. And ice cream. But when I feel like eating that, I literally start trolling Babies R Us and looking at nursery stuff. It helps. :)
Good idea. It's hard to stay focused on the end goal sometimes after a long, hard day! Thank you for sharing as well. Helps keep me in check. :) And it sounds like you are putting your mind to this and I'm confident you will have a handsome, or pretty, reward.
DeleteYou've got this Sam! you are already on the way there and that is the hardest part- the getting started part. I have lost around 100 pounds and still have a ways to go, but once you are in the habit of choosing the healthy food over the brownies, it gets easier (Ummm it is never completely easy...But it does get easier). :) Praying for you girl
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janie...and may I say, you look amazing!!! I appreciate the prayers. Because brownies are awesome...but, I remind myself, not as awesome as babies. :)
Delete