If I didn't edit my social media updates...

Being told "You're a good mom" makes me feel good...but it also makes me feel awkward, sometimes.  Mostly because I worry that the reason someone is telling me this is because of the very limited view I show of motherhood through facebook statuses and carefully chosen videos and pictures.  Because, like everyone else on social media, I am quick to share the funny moments, the moments when my son says something brilliant or quirky, the pictures we took of our son playing at the pumpkin patch, the videos of him singing country music.

I also have a video of him pulling down his pants and running backwards, butt-first at the camera while he yells "YOU ARE BAD-LOOKING!"  Not sure why I haven't posted that one yet...just kidding.  I totally know why.  Because it's a video of my kid, pulling down his pants, running butt-first at the camera while screaming "YOU ARE BAD-LOOKING!"  That's why.

My mom said once that it would have been so amazing to have all the information at the few touch of a keystrokes when she was a mom with young children, rather than having to call the pediatrician fifty times or rely on an old medical book of symptoms and remedies, and her well-worn copy of Doctor Spock.  And she's right - if I am having an issue with Junior (and God knows, we have a ton of issues with Junior), there are millions of answers right there on my computer.  And that can be really helpful - the way I potty-trained him, for example, was something I got directly off of a website, and you know what?  It worked like a charm and was something I would have never thought of myself.

But one of the reasons I was so stressed about potty training  him was because every child his age had long been potty trained, it seemed...and I knew this because of the internet.  So it's kind of a double-edged sword, sometimes.   And to me, the fact that my son was still happy in diapers at the age of three reflected on one of my failures as a mother.

Luckily, I'm confident enough in the person my son is and is in the process of becoming that, for the most part, I never got sucked into the whole "Oh my God, so-and-so's child is doing this.  My child is not doing that."  I call it mompetition, and it does run rampant on social media.  But I am not always confident enough in myself to not be sucked into the other type of mompetition - where moms themselves compete, rather than their kids.  

Junior was pretty average - he walked a little early, talked a little late.  When we ran into a friend of ours, whose little girl is the same age but was highly verbal, listening to her chatter like a big kid and my son's one-word responses didn't make me worry, it made me laugh.  I know children my son's age who can write their names - my son cannot.  Does it worry me?  Yes and no.  

Yes, it worries me because maybe it's my fault that he can't write his name.  When I try to help him with letters, he usually ends up screaming that he hates letters, and then I get all paranoid that I am setting him up to hate reading forever, and I back off, but maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should think of some new way to approach this, maybe I should google this shit and figure something out.

No, it doesn't worry me because I am absolutely certain that he will write his name in time.  He only just turned four.  There is plenty of time.  He can't write his name, but he is bright and imaginative, and very much within normal cognitive ranges for his age.

And although the stuff I throw out on social media is true, and indicative of the kind of child my son is, and indicative of the kind of mom I am...it's only part of the story.  It's only somewhat indicative.  The internet allows us to edit, and although I think we're all aware that we're only seeing a narrow slice of someone's life - a narrow, carefully selected slice of someone's life - it still sometimes leaves me feeling inadequate, and less than truthful.  Even knowing that the mom who posted a picture of their child eating carrot sticks dipped in hummus may have bribed the kid into trying it with m & m's, I am still sometimes envious as I hand my son yet another package of fruit snacks.  (But they are made with real fruit juice!)

But when I started my blog, besides just having a funny, creative outlet, I also wanted to be truthful.  Because I am certain that most of what I feel and do and think is pretty common to what other moms feel and do and think.  Because sometimes, even after I hit the "share" button on facebook, in my head, I add another line that both completely undermines and explains what I have just posted.

So here are some unedited facebook statuses:

Early morning snuggles with my boy...because he woke up at 2 a.m. with wet pants and it was easier to change him and then take him back to my bed, because sleep.

Taking my son to the park...because we've done nothing but sit on the couch in our pajamas and watch Garfield on Netflix for four hours straight.  

Ice cream sundaes for an after-dinner treat!  And by "after-dinner," I mean that technically, because the dinner hour has passed, not because my son actually ate anything substantial for dinner.  Because he didn't.  Again.

Friday night movie and popcorn date with my son...which makes this exactly like every other Friday night, because my husband goes to work at 3 a.m. every Saturday morning, and what other option do I have?

Love rocking my boy to sleep...because it makes me feel better after I completely lost my shit when he dumped out all the utensils and gouged the linoleum with a fork, which I didn't realize he was doing exactly because I was reading on my Kindle and even though I heard him doing crap that I knew he probably shouldn't be doing, I really, really wanted to finish that chapter.   And we both cried.

Awwww.  Random flowers from my husband...and by "random," I mean that last night I cried on his shoulder for twenty minutes and got snot all over his shirt because lately I feel nothing like a woman and a wife and only a mom and a housekeeper, and I don't feel pretty, and did he still think I was pretty, and I burned the meatloaf and I hate meatloaf now forever and it probably scared the hell out of him and I hope to God he didn't use the credit card to buy the flowers.

I don't think any of those moments make me a bad mom or wife, anymore than I believe that the edited versions that actually make it to facebook make me a good one.  It's just that when someone tells me I'm a good mom, I hope they know that these moments exist.  In fact, they are abundant.   

I am not, by any means, trying to be all self-righteous and say "Don't post the good shit unless you are willing to post the bad!"  That's not what social media is for - I get that - and, just like everyone else, what I post on facebook is selected with care.  It gives us a unique opportunity to edit our lives, and a platform to capture the good and the sweet and the funny, and to share those moments with our friends and family.  And I want to know about your good, your sweet, and your funny moments, just as I want to share my own.  I just want to admit to the unsaid things that often follow (with mental ellipses) after I post a status, because I have a feeling we all have explanations behind certain statuses that would probably put a whole new perspective on things, a perspective that is neither good or bad, but simply honest.

(One more example...the whole reason I wrote this blog?  Because my house is completely a wreck - and I mean a complete and utter disaster, with dried macaroni noodles under the kitchen table and Play Doh crumbs all over the living room rug - and writing this seemed much more pleasurable than doing anything about that.)