I know it's a thing because I keep seeing this one video being shared, and this dad just loses his mind over his daughter receiving a participation trophy. And I read an essay that has been shared like 103,000 times that somehow connects transgender rights to participation ribbons, and America is doomed, y'all, because your child's second grade PE teacher handed out ribbons for the kids completing their mile run.
(I run. Sort of. Well, I move my legs in a rather rapid-for-me fashion in short spurts over long distances. That's a class of running, I suppose. I would love it if someone handed me a ribbon for doing it.)
Anyhow, I guess I understand the sentiment. We are in danger of raising a generation of coddled, entitled Americans.
But I can guarantee you that if someone grows up to be a horrible adult, it's probably due to a series of actions and inactions and parenting decisions and life circumstances and the receiving of a medal for participating in the class spelling bee is probably not one of them.
I honestly don't know if my child has ever received a participation award, because if he did, chances are, it ended up wadded up and forgotten, perhaps trampled upon on the bus or stuffed into the wrong cubby at school, like so many other things that my kid could care less about. And I truly think it's fine and even understandable, to an extent, if you decide that your child is not to be the recipient of such awful, character-shredding stuff as a participation ribbon.
But let's get something straight.
That is one tiny, minute, minuscule decision that is a speck of sand on the infinite beach of parenting decisions you will make and if your child turns out to be the kind of human being you are hoping he or she will become by withholding such dubious honors, then 1) good job on that and 2) your child turned out that way because of a long string of good parenting decisions you made and the whole "no participation ribbons!" thing probably had like .00000000000000012% impact on that.
And let me tell you how it is for those of us who are lazy enough to allow our entitled, precious little losers to keep their ribbons and trophies that will, I imagine, end up wadded up somewhere forgotten, collecting dust like so many other macaroni projects and report cards.
Sometimes participation is as good as it gets.
Sometimes a kid just can't. Somethings are beyond some kids' abilities, and no number of inspirational posters and "try harder next time!" and dangling of carrots in the shape of 1st place ribbons will change that.
So when you say, "Kids just need to try harder so they appreciate the victory!" you are making giant assumptions. Because I have some hard -- and for some of us, heartbreaking -- truth for you.
Sometimes a child can try like hell and still not win.
My child's classroom teacher utilized something called "mastery cards" as a carrot to dangle in front of her kids. And again, I 100% understand this. I understand this because I understand that kids will work harder for a reward. So this is not a criticism on the theory at all.
Here's what I know about mastery cards. I know there were mastery cards for different sets of skills. I know there were mastery cards given for recognizing letters and sounds and sight words and math facts. I know that all the skills tied to mastery cards were timed skills. I know my son does not perform well on timed skills. I know that my son's buddies all got mastery cards. I know that it seemed, to my son, that everyone in the whole world had received mastery cards.
I know what it's like to watch my kiddo beg me to drill him on his math facts because he wasn't fast enough. I know what it's like to watch him scan my face for comfort and "of course that's fine!" comments when asking if it's okay when maybe not every kid gets a mastery card. I know what it's like to listen to him pray about getting his mastery card. I know what it's like to reassure him that he will still be allowed in first grade even without a mastery card. I know what it's like to see his face crumple when he hits two minutes and still hasn't "mastered" what we were trying to master in time.
What I don't know what a mastery card looks like, because my son never got one, Not once.
Do I begrudge the other kids for getting theirs? Heck, no. That's great. But I can guarantee you that there were a lot of kiddos who didn't work half as hard to get their mastery card as my kid worked in not getting his.
Should my son been given a mastery card for his sight words? Nope. He hasn't mastered them. But my mama's heart would have appreciated a mastery card designed for perseverance, for trying, for participating at his fullest potential, because he gave it his all.
And would I have let him keep it?
You bet your ass I would have.
So, by all means, make that parenting decision in not allowing your kid to accept a weak, country-dooming entitlement in the shape of a cheap silk ribbon with "PARTICIPATION" stamped on it. We all make different parenting decisions, based on our what works best for our families, for our children.
But when you hold it up as a banner of parenting triumph, it seems like it's a lot less about encouraging your child to strive harder, to learn to lose gracefully, to savor achievement and a lot more about believing your kiddo is too good for mere participation. The first half of that is full of great lessons to learn. The second half is kind of sad.
I would never have felt driven to even write about this if not for the fact that in the past few weeks -- I'm guessing due to Field Day and class graduations and baseball season gearing up -- I haven't had to see so many people post and re-post videos and essays and statuses about their own parenting choices. And I'm not criticizing the choice parents make on whether or not they agree with the whole philosophy behind participation awards. I actually get it.
But maybe that decision is one you can chat about with your kiddo while in the car, or at the kitchen table, privately, and explain the reasoning behind it, rather than grandstanding about it. Because honestly, it seems to me that when you force your child to hand the ribbon back in front of other kids, you aren't really teaching your child about the value of working hard to actually win, but how to lose badly, enforcing that "all or none" mentality. You aren't making a private statement to your child about the values you want to instill, but a very public statement about how you feel about other's values.
Personally, whether or not my kid is able to "win" something outright is not the only factor driving my belief on this. Because if I have a second child, and he or she is somehow gifted with, say, athletic prowess by some freak genetic mutation, I'll let him or her keep the participation ribbon, too. Because I don't believe in an "all or nothing" mentality. Because I have enough faith in a child's reasoning to know that he understands that there is a difference between a first-place blue ribbon and the participation award. Because I don't want to be the parent of the kid who turns his or her nose up at the only type of ribbon that other kids may be capable of getting, and have those kids wonder if there is something wanting in them. That's just bad sportsmanship.
And I'm pretty sure that's not the sort of attitude that's going to ruin America, or that I am endangering the moral fiber of the universe.
Because sometimes, for some kids, participation is a victory. Sometimes, that's as good as it gets, and it's good enough for us, and I can promise you that a lot of kids who never "win" are trying every bit as hard -- perhaps even harder -- then your kid may be trying.
And maybe instead of forcing your kid to return that ribbon to the coach, you can ask your kiddo to hand it to another kid who tried really hard, or maybe improved a lot, or was really positive during the competition, and have your kiddo recognize his or her peer.
How cool would that be?
